Jack Russell Terrier

Subject: Fw: Jack Russell Terrier (Worth a Read :)]

The moral of the story is worth the read for 'Old Dogs'. OLD DOGS RULE A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa , taking his faithful, elderly Jack Russell terrier named Killer, along for the company. One day the old Jack Russell starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old Jack Russell thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old Jack Russell exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?' Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!', says the leopard, 'That was close! That old Jack Russell nearly had me!' Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old Jack Russell sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard. The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine! Now, the old Jack Russell sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Jack Russell says... 'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!' Moral of this story: Don't mess with the old dogs -- Age and Skill will always overcome Youth and Treachery! Bullshit and Brilliance only come with age and experience. If you don't send this to five 'old' friends right away there will be five fewer people laughing in the world. Of course, I am in no way insinuating that any of you are old, some are just more 'youthfully challenged.' You did notice the large print size, didn't you?

Family Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband : 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

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Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband : 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife : 'Yes or no.'
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Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the
problem disappear'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be
greater than this one?'

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Stress Reliever Girl:

'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

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Son: ' Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat
a lady'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'
________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

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Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

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A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

Wives vs Husbands

Email received:

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

W O R D S

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day... 30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

CREATION

A man said to his wife one day,'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'

The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

' Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.' So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament

and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM . Wake up.' Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

God may have created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

SEND THIS TO SMART WOMEN WHO NEED A LAUGH AND TO MEN YOU THINK CAN HANDLE IT !

Cute Story

Received:

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 12:31:24 PM

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
"what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
"We are in BIG trouble this time. …………………………."

("I just LOVE reading next line again and again") …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. …………………………. ………………………….
GOD is missing,
and they think we did it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Petrol Tips

Received Email:

TIPS ON FILLING YOUR CAR(S)



I don't know what you guys are paying for petrol.... but here in Durban we
are also paying

higher, up to R7.35 per litre.

But my line of work is in petroleum for about 31 years now, so here are some
tricks to get more of your money's worth for every litre. Here at the Marian
Hill Pipeline where I work in Durban , we deliver about 4 million litres in a
24-hour

period thru the pipeline. One day is diesel the next day is jet fuel, and
petrol,

LRP and Unleaded. We have 34-storage tanks here with a total capacity of
16,800,000 litres.



Only buy or fill up your car or bakkie in
the early morning when the ground temperature is still cold. Remember that
all
service stations have their storage tanks buried below ground. The colder
the
ground the more dense the fuel, when it gets warmer petrol expands,so buying
in
the afternoon or in the evening....your litre is not exactly a litre. In the
petroleum business, the specific gravity and the temperature of the petrol,
diesel and jet fuel, ethanol and other petroleum products plays an important
role. A 1-degree rise in temperature is a big deal for this business. But
the
service stations do not have temperature compensation at the pumps.



When you're filling up do not squeeze the
trigger of the nozzle to a fast mode. If you look you will see that the
trigger
has three (3) stages: low, middle, and high. In slow mode you should be
pumping
on low speed, thereby minimizing the vapours that are created while you are
pumping. All hoses at the pump have a vapour return. If you are pumping on
the
fast rate, some of the liquid that goes to your tank becomes vapour. Those
vapours are being sucked up and back into the underground storage tank so
you're getting less worth for your money.



One of the most important tips is to fill up
when your tank is HALF FULL. The reason for this is, the more fuel you have
in
your tank the less air occupying its empty space. petrol evaporates faster
than
you can imagine. Petroleum storage tanks have an internal floating roof.
This
roof serves as zero clearance between the petrol and the atmosphere, so it
minimizes the evaporation. Unlike service stations, here where I work, every
truck that we load is temperature compensated so that every litre is
actually
the exact amount.



Another reminder, if there is a fuel truck pumping
into the storage tanks when you stop to buy, DO NOT fill up--most likely the
petrol/diesel is being stirred up as the fuel is being delivered, and you
might
pick up some of the dirt that normally settles on the bottom.

Hope this will help you get the most value for your money.

DO SHARE THESE TIPS WITH OTHERS!

Warning To Men

Received: Monday, May 26, 2008 9:07:50 AM
Subject: Fwd: Fw: WARNING TO MEN (some propaganda being circulated to men)

Police are warning all men who frequent clubs, parties & local pubs to be alert
and stay cautious when offered a drink from any woman. Many females use a
date rape drug on the market called "Beer". The drug is found in liquid form and is available
anywhere. It comes in bottles, cans, or from taps and in large "kegs".
Beer is used by female sexual predators at parties and bars to persuade their male
victims to go home and sleep with them. A woman needs only to get a guy to consume a few
units of Beer and then simply ask him home for no strings
attached sex. Men are rendered helpless against this approach.
After several beers, men will often succumb to the desires to sleep with horrific
looking women whom they would never normally be attracted.
After drinking beer, men often awaken with only hazy
memories of exactly what happened to them the night before, often with just a
vague feeling that "something bad" occurred.
At other times these unfortunate men are swindled out of their life's savings, in a familiar scam known as "a relationship". In extreme cases, the female may even be shrewd enough to entrap the unsuspecting male into a longer term form of servitude and punishment referred to as
"marriage." Men are much more susceptible to this scam after beer is administered and sex is
offered by the predatory females.

Please! Forward this warning to every male you know.If you fall victim to this "Beer" scam and the women administering it, there are male support groups where you can discuss the
details of your shocking encounter with similarly victimized men.

For the support group nearest you, just look up "Golf Courses" in the phone book.

For a video to see how beer works click here: *Beer Demo*